I choose again
Updated: Jan 7, 2022
January 2022 began strong, I set my intentions for the year ahead under the influence of the New Moon, I chose my word for the year - INTENTIONAL - I exercised, I meditated, I cleared away decorations, safely storing them away until they are needed again.
I cleared space.
I felt clarity and calm.
I felt excited about what lay ahead.
Great start Kate, I thought.
As my alarm delicately sung to me at 5am on Wednesday 5th January, I hit the snooze button, not something I recommend doing, the snooze button should really be called the slippery slope button.
I was too tired, just another ten minutes I thought, then it sang to me again, and again, and again then every ten minutes after until I had been playing the same game for an hour and 20 minutes
Finally and total disclosure here, only because I had to do the school run did I force myself to get out of bed. I headed downstairs to make a coffee, after the first sip, I thought do you know what I’m actually feeling rested.
I congratulated myself for listening to my body and staying in bed longer, even though I hadn’t slept I had instead played a game of whack-a-mole with my alarm.
I took a coffee up to my husband and encouraged my sleepy 16 year old to get a wiggle on.
The second mistake of the day followed quickly - as my daughter prepared to share something, I offered a thoughtless off the cuff comment that left her and my husband staring at me with mouths wide open and me instantly disliking myself… I began to cry.
My daughter walked off and my husband questioned “Where the hell did that come from?”
Where the hell indeed, the comment was hurtful, and deeply out of character.
I went to my daughter immediately apologising, she was fine, I was not.
For the next 30 minutes I cried, then I questioned what was going on.
I have learned over the years that our mind, body and spirit will always let us know if there is something off, that needs addressing, clearly something needed addressing but what?
By the time I arrived back from the school run, I knew I was out of sync, my mind was foggy, my heart felt empty.
I felt really sad
“I’m just existing not living” I said to my completely bemused husband who yesterday went to sleep with one person and woke up with someone completely different.
By early afternoon, my whole body hurt, my muscles, my joints even my eyes. I had a throbbing headache and I just wanted to cry.
I rescheduled my afternoon meetings and had a firm chat with myself
Don’t moan, Do. I told myself
I knew what I needed to do, I needed to heal, I needed to become whole again.
So this is what I did
I had a relaxing mid-afternoon bath
I sat on my bed and surrounded myself with healing crystals, smokey quartz, letting go, surrender, grounding. Rose quartz- unconditional love, forgiveness and compassion - Red Jasper - nurturing and centering and lastly Labradorite - the magician.
I smudged my space and myself at least five times throughout the afternoon with beautiful Palo Santo allowing the scent of pine, mint and lemon to envelope me while welcoming in healing and good fortune.
I drank water, slowly and intentionally that had been harmonised and blessed with love and gratitude.
I meditated, to relax, I mediated calling in Archangel Raphael, to heal, I meditated to understand and I mediated to allow myself to listen
I journaled my thoughts and feelings and left the question of "Why am I feeling like this today?" hanging on the page.
I read, I ate a warm nourishing meal and headed to sleep by 8pm.
I didn’t discover the cause of what had me feeling so off balance, sometimes we just fall out of sync and need realigning, sometimes we just need a little ‘me’ time.
When my alarm began her morning song, I opened my eyes, I did a quick body scan in the hope that a new day would bring new feels
I asked myself the question “How do you feel”. “Awful” was my honest reply
Different from the day before, but not great.
I was just about to begin the game of whack-a-mole again with my alarm when a voice from deep within said quite firmly
NO - Choose again
I instantly listened, I stepped out of bed, not 100% convinced that it was the right move, but followed through regardless, I stretched my arms above my head and whispered to myself “You’ve got this”. The sky outside was still the darkest black, I walked down the stairs and was greeted by 3 gifts strategically placed by my gorgeous hound, the smell hit me before I actually saw them.
PLOT TWIST I told myself - I calmly cleared and cleaned away the unwanted gifts without fuss or ado and headed towards the coffee machine.
Throughout my impromptu cleaning session and subsequent coffee making I kept repeating affirmations, I am strong, I am healthy, I am love, I thanked my angels for healing me.
I thought about how intentional I had been the afternoon before and how I had gifted my self time to fill my cup, knowing these practices were just that practices that when used daily help you ping back to wholeness a lot quicker.
Yet sometimes that critter brain takes over and has you believing something that isn’t true
That’s what was happening now
I then asked myself how did I intend on journeying through January and the whole of 2022
I knew at that moment, that how I felt yesterday, and how I felt in that moment wasn’t the intention, it wasn’t the vibration I was looking for
I thanked my inner guide for speaking up, I chose to listen
And I decided to CHOOSE AGAIN